Today* is Australia Day, which means it is time for my annual “educate my American colleagues and friends about my home country” post. You can read last year’s post here.

I took this photo during our last visit to Australia almost two years ago. Thankfully we have another trip planned for a little later this year. Perhaps I should celebrate Australia day by purchasing a few plane tickets?

But I digress, back to the “educational” component of this post.

Following are some “real” questions submitted to, and answered by, the Australia Tourism Board. (note: source not at all verified, just cited on a few sketchy blogs. If anyone knows the actual source, please post in the comments).

Please read them carefully so you will be fully prepared should you ever decide to visit. Just don’t hold me responsible for the accuracy of the responses.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water…

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which doesn’t … oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is… oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Finally, I want to share a favourite clip that will clear up any of your confusion around the whole difference between Australia and New Zealand thing.

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY!

I encourage you all to have a beer this evening to celebrate. I plan to celebrate by changing my outlook dictionary to Australian English for the day.

Cheers!

*Australia Day is actually on the 26th of Jan but since it’s already the 26th in Australia, it gives me one more full day of celebration.