Broken Hearted

He’s still tiny, can only say a few words (well, we think they’re words) and is not even walking (although has been teasing us for months), but this child has so much power over me.

For a few months now, he has been a Daddy’s boy. That’s not a bad thing – it gives me a bit of a break – but still, as a mother you secretly want you child to prefer you. In fact, it seems wrong if they don’t. I carried him in my belly, nursed him and spent every waking moment with him for the first few months of his life. Don’t I deserve to be the favourite for just a little while longer – at least until he is three when his strong personality and stubborness will make him the perfect daddy’s boy.

It hit an all time low the other night when Samuel would NOT come to me. He gripped onto Kei’s shirt so tight that I had to peel his fingers away just to put him to bed. He bent his back and squirmed in an effort to get out of my arms.

In the safety of his bedroom, between stories, we had a talk. I told him how much it hurt me and how much I loved him and he responded by pointing to a picture of a rooster and babbling something. (The kid makes no sense). Then the next morning as soon as we reached daycare he couldn’t wait to get out of my arms again and reach for his teacher.

Everyone tells me it’s a phase but a large part of me feels guilty – for giving up on breastfeeding at 7 months, for no longer having Wednesdays off which means he spends more time in daycare than with me, for being busy whenever we are together – getting ready for daycare, cooking dinner, getting ready for bed.

… But one more possibility crossed my mind tonight. My eyes were hurting yesterday so I wore my glasses for the first time since I had Samuel (I usually wear contact lenses). Maybe Samuel didn’t like mummy in glasses.

Still, I made sure I spent more time with Samuel tonight. I put the laundry on after he had gone to bed, and we had frozen pizza for dinner so I didn’t have to cook and had more time to play. I think it worked a little bit. He was not afraid to come near me and we had a few moments of bonding over play food and wooden blocks.

Just to be safe, though, I’ll be putting my contact lenses back in tomorrow.

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